Find this one funny? Sordid!

What do you do when someone dies a second time?

Rehearse.
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Revolutionary Humor

Why didn't the British invite the American colonies to their tea parties?

They found them revolting.

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Spookily funny...

What do you call a reasonable and ordinary ghost?

An objective manifestation.

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I've always been fond of the underdog

When weevils battle...

I always root for the lesser of the two weevils.*

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* This is clearly not an original, I merely had to get it out of my head.  But the caption is true.  

Faerie-ly Funny

Why don't you call a lady unicorn "Mrs."?

Because a lady unicorn is a myth!

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The dessert there is so decadent it's simply bovine...

Why was the big tipper banned from the restaurant?

Because it was a restaurant for cows!

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Also, an alligator wearing a vest...

What do you call an alligator that researches stocks and bonds?

An investigator.*
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* Credit to Jeannette Haris, who originally suggested the titular version of the joke (same punchline).  

Dry humor or arid jocularity?

What do you call a camel with no humps?

Humphrey.*

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* Credit to Cody Burns, who shared this via Anne Burns.  I'm so glad to hear Cody is carrying on the tradition of funny started in Anne's family, as memorialized in the works of Carlton Winford, Anne's grandfather.

Funny No. 2 in D Major

What do you call the worms in Mozart's tomb?

De-composers.*

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* Credit to Lory Evensky for sharing this one.  

This should give you a jolt of funny

What do you call a coffee bean after it is ground up and brewed into a cup of coffee?

A has-been.

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The plot-twist was a spud

What do you call a story featuring Mr. Potato Head?

An "about face."

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Put a bunny on his head and you'd have a receding hare line...

What do you call a fellow named Eugene walking backwards?

A "recessive Gene."

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You probably wouldn't invite this one to the Sunday Pot Luck...

What happens when an insatiable predator finds religion?

He preys without ceasing.

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Broken windows are glass-half-empty types...

Did you know that windows are afraid of wind?

All it takes is a little breeze and they shutter.

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You haven't heard anything this funny since 1984. It's double-plus good.

Did you hear about the sequel to Animal Farm that takes place under the sea?

It is quite Or-whale-ian.

What's good for the Glam-der is good for the Mother Goose...

What do you call a glamorous grandchild and a glamorous grandmother?

Glam-baby and Glam-Ma*

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* Though these terms have been in existence for a little while and I cannot quite ascertain who coined the terms, credit to Risha Neal for bringing these magical terms into our lives.

Footwear and farm animals, shoe 'nough!

What do you call it when you have a cow on your shoe?

"Moo"-shoe (Moo shu).

What do you call it when you have a horse on your shoe?

Horseshoe (obviously).

What do you call it when you have a goat on your shoe?

You don't.  I've got your goat!

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Don't be a-brayed, donkey!

Why didn't the donkey laugh when the giant joked that he was so hungry he could eat a horse?

He was worried the giant was-in-gesting!*

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Best read as: "He was worried the giant wasn't jesting."

I hope it was at least a 100 Grand (Bar)

What happened when the attorney was caught with a stolen candy bar?

He was dis-barred.

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Sad, Bad, but Funny: A Mnemonic Device

What do you call any tragedy starring Keanu Reaves?

Whoa-begone.*
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Also acceptable: "A Tale of Whoa"

One joke mushroomed into two!

Why should you never quarrel with someone who lives on a mountain covered in mushrooms?

Because he has the morel high ground.

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What do you call a provision in a marriage contract that requires one to eat mushrooms?

A morelity clause.*

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* Thanks to Amy Kuhlmann for inspiring both of these jokes by seizing upon the similarity between "moral" and "morel."

Snowy Whether

Why is it hard to be sure if it will snow?

Because snowstorms are full of flakes!

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A Pair of Legs Called the Righteous Brothers

How do you know a preacher's pants are holy?

They've been altar-ed.

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Don't miss a beet!

What do you call it when you throw away a Swiss beet?

Dis-chard.

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* I must admit I originally thought "swiss chard" was a type of cabbage.  How beta vulgaris!

Don't be surprised if you find this one ex-tree-mly funny

Why do palm trees often embrace?

Because they are quite frond of each other.

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This one's a bit of a doozy, so you'd best take it slow.

Did you hear about the lady who was so intimidated by road humps that she was afraid to drive home?

Fortunately, she slowly got over them.*

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* Contributed by Jeannette Harris.  If she keeps this up, we'll have to rename the site! (But we won't, because it's pretty much just me.)