Monday, December 16, 2013

Don't lose your head over this one

Did you hear? Researchers have determined that the villain in The Legend of Sleepy Hollow was actually the reanimated body of Genghis Khan.*

Turns out, the town was beleaguered by a "Headless Hordes-man."

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* You may not "get" this joke if you have never read "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" by Washington Irving, or at least the movie.  Likewise, you may not like this joke if you do not know who Genghis Khan is, or anything about the "Golden Horde."  If any of the above are true, I can not help you.   Finally, in no way is the premise of this joke intended to be "real" news: both the short story of a decapitated phantasm attacking the denizens of a New England town and the news regarding "researchers" discovering his reanimated corpse are fictional.  I would like to believe this explanation is unnecessary, but there is always somebody.  

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Some nuts are surprisingly quick on their feet

Did you know there are some nuts out there you just can't outrun?

No matter how fast you go, they will cashew.*

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* The "you" sound in cash-ew sticks out as obvious.  However, some may immediately take issue with my identification of the "cash" syllable with "catch." Indeed, Merriam-Webster spells the pronunciation of "cash" and the first four letters of "cashew" identically.  However, because of the hardness of the "ka" sound, many people add two sets of "sh" noises when they say the word.  In this style of pronunciation, "kash-shoo," the hardness of the double "sh" noise is thus made closer to a soft "ch" sound, and the "ew" noise remaining is a clear equivalent for "you."  Thus, the most effective delivery of this punch line will be by someone who is prone to this pronunciation.   

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

That fruit needs to ripen up

What do you call it when a cantaloupe acts out?*

Melondramatic.

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* Made better by Lauren Rutherford.

What a soda jerk!

What do you say to someone who asks for a Mountain Dew but you're fresh out?

No can Dew.

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