Monday, December 16, 2013

Don't lose your head over this one

Did you hear? Researchers have determined that the villain in The Legend of Sleepy Hollow was actually the reanimated body of Genghis Khan.*

Turns out, the town was beleaguered by a "Headless Hordes-man."

~~~~~~~~~~

* You may not "get" this joke if you have never read "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" by Washington Irving, or at least the movie.  Likewise, you may not like this joke if you do not know who Genghis Khan is, or anything about the "Golden Horde."  If any of the above are true, I can not help you.   Finally, in no way is the premise of this joke intended to be "real" news: both the short story of a decapitated phantasm attacking the denizens of a New England town and the news regarding "researchers" discovering his reanimated corpse are fictional.  I would like to believe this explanation is unnecessary, but there is always somebody.  

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Some nuts are surprisingly quick on their feet

Did you know there are some nuts out there you just can't outrun?

No matter how fast you go, they will cashew.*

~~~~~~~~~~
* The "you" sound in cash-ew sticks out as obvious.  However, some may immediately take issue with my identification of the "cash" syllable with "catch." Indeed, Merriam-Webster spells the pronunciation of "cash" and the first four letters of "cashew" identically.  However, because of the hardness of the "ka" sound, many people add two sets of "sh" noises when they say the word.  In this style of pronunciation, "kash-shoo," the hardness of the double "sh" noise is thus made closer to a soft "ch" sound, and the "ew" noise remaining is a clear equivalent for "you."  Thus, the most effective delivery of this punch line will be by someone who is prone to this pronunciation.   

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

That fruit needs to ripen up

What do you call it when a cantaloupe acts out?*

Melondramatic.

~~~~~~~~~~

* Made better by Lauren Rutherford.

What a soda jerk!

What do you say to someone who asks for a Mountain Dew but you're fresh out?

No can Dew.

~~~~~~~~~~

Monday, November 18, 2013

There she is, Miss Prize Pumpkin!

How would you describe this year's winner of the Miss Pumpkin contest?

Gourd-geous!*

~~~~~~~~~~

* Credit to Lauren Rutherford for inspiring this one.

Sometimes being stuck in traffic is an extra-sticky situation

Did you hear about terrible wreck involving the fruit truck on I-75?

It caused quite the jam.*

~~~~~~~~~~

* Credit goes to Jeannette Harris for this one.  There is no way to convey how well she delivered it, but it had the whole office laughing. She said she practiced it five times at her desk before casually sashaying in and remarking upon the supposed wreck in the most offhanded way.  We were halfway to the traffic reports for more information before we realized the punchline!

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Sometimes "Cooking Cajun" is an accident

Why did everyone think it was a bad idea for Boudreaux to take a job fixing power lines?

Because he was always shocked when it rained!

~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

These parents see their child as a fixture!

A new father placed a pennant on the ceiling directly above his newborn baby's crib, imagining the child fixating on the message in the years ahead.

The pennant read "Go Ceiling!"

Puzzled, the man's wife asked why.

His reply? 

"I've always wanted a ceiling fan!"

~~~~~~~~~~

* Credit to Jason Harris, via Jeannette Harris, for this joke I imagine is based on a true story.

Don Quixote would have been blown away by this windmill!

What did one of T. Boone Pickens' wind turbines tell the Dallas Cowboys?

I'm a huge fan!

~~~~~~~~~~

“El que lee mucho y anda mucho, ve mucho y sabe mucho.” 
― Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, El ingenioso hidalgo Don Quijote de La Mancha

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Yet they say there's a drought in Texas...

After watching the news for a while, I realized there must be a lot of water in America...

Otherwise, why would we need so many Bailouts?!

~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Here you’re American, but in the bathroom European

1. Which country is most likely to relate to a subject in an appropriate way?

Germany.

2. Which country hosts the most gerunds?

England.

3. Which people are most likely to complete something they start?

The Finnish.

4. Which country is most likely to slant things upwards and to the right?

Italy

~~~~~~~~~~

Don't get it? Here's help:

1. Germane-y
2. "Ing" - land
3. The Finish
4. Ital. is the abbreviation for "italics"




Monday, September 30, 2013

Be careful who you call Pumpkin!

Did you hear about the guy that was killed by the Great Pumpkin?

Yeah...he was gourd to death.

~~~~~~~~~~

Friday, September 27, 2013

Monday, September 16, 2013

What exactly went so well???

Q:  How did the wedding go this weekend?

A:  Not so great.  It went off without a hitch!

~~~~~~~~~~

* Credit to Amy Kuhlmann for inspiring this one!

Friday, September 13, 2013

Fee-a-500!

A lady and her daughter walked up to a car rental counter and asked the attendant if her car was ready.  The man appeared very busy.

With a phone on his ear and his hands typing furiously, he half-turned and said quickly, "Yesss madammm -- at'll-be-a-Fee-a-500."

The lady was indignant.  "$500!  How exorbitant!  I'm not paying any such---"

The daughter cut her off.  "Mom!  He said the car will be a Fiat 500!"

~~~~~~~~~~

* Credit to Risha Neal, who provided this episode from her real life experience.

These Nannies Take the Cape

Why is Superman a better babysitter than Batman?

Because children require Super-Vision.

~~~~~~~~~~


Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Hirsutesaurus

What is a beard-lover's favorite extinct mammal?

A woolly man-mouth.

~~~~~~~~~~

Friday, August 30, 2013

Snipe No Bull

Why don't cows make good marksmen?

Because they only graze their targets.

~~~~~~~~~~

Monday, August 26, 2013

Senseless Sea Snail Humor

Did you hear about the sea snail that was hit so hard he came out of his shell?

He was knocked un-conch-ious.

~~~~~~~~~~

Friday, June 14, 2013

Thursday, June 13, 2013

That guy really grows on you.

Someone once said they had never met a portobello mushroom they didn't like.

I responded, "Why would you -- the only one I know is quite a fungi!"

~~~~~~~~~~

* Credit to Jeannette Harris for helping me co-opt a joke that's been around for ages but that no one in their right mind would claim.